Romanced by the King of All Ages

i'm feeling really blah now...
feeling kinda lost...

it seems like everything's planned out nicely for me... my music career's just beginning to blossom... i'm steadily becoming a better dancer... once i finish TEP i'm going back to training...

but... i dunno... it's so empty...

how come i used to be so content with so little? happily serving in tzt... in the smallest unnoticable ministry... and now when everything's goin so smoothly, i feel so lousy?

i miss tzt... i miss the old BOB... i miss hanging out with ian and cliff and talking abt gals, stealing ian's bananas... *laughs* i miss secondary school... aslam and the gang... whatsup man...

somehow somewhere i think i lost something... maybe it was all that condemnation over the last few years that i've been serving.. maybe it was pride... maybe it was everything that happened all at once... i guess its just the time in my life where the rubber really meets the road hard...

maybe i'm just lonely... i guess i just disillusioned myself, thinking that i could fill that empty space inside with someone... she didnt even meet the most impt requirement on my list... *laughs* i can be a real idiot smths.. i cause most of the crap in my own life...

oh yeah i'm lonely...

haha... i don't even see my closest friends anymore... ian's away studying.. aslam's in a diff sch... lauda's away tending to his new baby... (pastor)darren's super bz with work...
thank God for ben and rach...

i'm always putting up a front... the dude that's always smiling... always full of crap... always there to make you smile... even when i'm feeling like crap...
i'm so sick of living on my own... taking care of myself... taking care of others... taking my mum's crap with a smile, coz no one else will... being the dude that's there for all the other people that no one else wants... who's watching my back? who was there for me when my mum got into debt? there were only 3 people who were there for me when i was emotionally screwed... who was there for me when i was so condemned by the very people i trusted the most? the other leaders that served together with me... only laoda... 
i just want a break... i need a break... i want a break from life... maybe that's why i've been getting these urges to go to korea to watch the armory cup... *haha* and take in the countryside on the way huh...

then i keep doing things that are sooo stupid... things that i regret like 5 seconds later and a simple sorry won't help... then i spend the rest of the day thinking what a jerk i was... then i punish myself by breaking really hard and getting injured... what's happening to me?

i'm just feeling so totally crappy right now... i know i'll be alright tml... the same smiley dude that craps with ben and chang and irritates rach... the same smiley dude that will help ronald and push with their artwork... the same smiley dude that always does his best to be the nicest guy to the new dudes in the cg... or the lady that cleans the tables in the canteen...
hey i'm entitled to be emo for at least one night right?

i'm just so tired... i wanna fast forward this part of my life... fast forward it to the part where i get married... or to the part that i go full time... maybe go back to my days in tzt... but i know that that's not possible...

Jesus take the wheel... carry me over... teach me to rest again...

mann... i'm bored... *haha* and i'm feeling really sick...
i guess i should blog la.... since i paid for this stupid blog anyway...

lots of stuff happened since i last blogged....

welll.. i did a camp with some pschool la... *haha* can't remember...
fun...
thenn there was Jam&Hop... man that was disappointing... lousy music... and i was injured... so i couldnt do much... *laughs*
i think i'm falling in love with breaking all over again *laughs* windmill!!!!
then there was fashion fitness... where i got so stressed and pek chek it was amazing...
*haha* mann... 

i guess... i do forget what my life is about at times... and sometimes i do go into states of emo-ness?? sometimes i make stupid mistakes... butt... heyy

i read a story about a Man of God once... and someone asked him... "dude what will you do if today was your last day on earth??" and his reply was, "i would plant a tree"... thinking that that had some really spiritual or significant meaning to it... the man was duly impressed... but the Man of God continued, "i would plant a tree, coz that's what i planned to do today..."

y'know... if i really didnt live each day as if it was gonna be my last... and kept dragging myself through life... i'll regret it... 
whatever happened to those days where ther e seemed to be a reason for each day?? *haha* i guess... sometimes... even mighty men lose their focus... *laughs* as if i'm much of a mighty man.. butt.. mistakes do happen... all i can do is get over them =)

and know that i'm a zillion times bigger on the inside, than i am on the outside...

*hahas* on to another point...
ben and i were talking about our dream girl to marry... haha (yes i talk about girls)
well.. i came up with this la...
i want her to be... pretty... she wont nag me... she'll be able to sing(or dance) *haha* and... she MUST be a woman of God... haha... heyy.. i think i prefer tomboys to girly girls!!

anyways... i was thinking about Phi and Darren... haha.. i always wanted to follow in their footsteps mann... date a girl for super long... then marry her? hahaha i think that's kinda cool...
haha.. oh welll... we'll leave that for another time la... *laughs*

my Dad will provide... *laughs*

ok!! i've just about rambled about everything under the sun! stay tuned for the next episode of... Asher Rambles!! byeeee!! *closing song*